Know You're Alive

Some people measure how alive they feel through overcoming fear. Some from the exhilaration of x-sports (or, as it's coming to be known, "being Californian"). Some, like myself, measure with pain.

From an early age, I discovered my ability to take punishment. At this point, there's virtually no area of myself that hasn't been injured from accidents inflicted by myself (burns, falls, etc) or from others (hit by cars- twice, etc), deliberate damage (stabbed, hit, kicked, etc) or medical illness (TMJ, strokes, tumors, etc). I have been crushed, broken, bled, burned, shot, cut, had blood streaming from my eyes, ripped bones from their sockets, peeled flesh off bones, pulled rocks out of my leg, electrified, and more- all just on my left side. Most people who know me find it amazing that I'm not dead as much as I should be.
...
And yes- I wrote that how it should be written.

As a result, pain and I have become close friends. I respect pain and have little fear of it and, many times, invite it. My relationship with it is the meaning behind my tattoo- "endurance". I can endure whatever pains are upon me. In many ways, I have come to connect with pain and love it a little.
Perhaps a little too much.

That background was the set-up for these points:
1) You should now have an idea of the amount of suffering I can endure. So when I say that I'm in pain, what I mean is any "normal" person would be bawling their fucking eyes out and rushing to the hospital.
Pansies.
My left shoulder's been damaged so much that it can easily be pushed out. Which happened last night by falling asleep in an awkward position on the couch. It's moved just enough that the ball is dead center on the nerve cluster so any A-N-Y movement and my Central Nervous System lights up like a fucking pinball machine on TILT. My relationship with pain explains how I kinda freaked my roomie out when I started smiling and laughing when I showed her the nasty popping sounds it's making when it rolls into the nerve cluster as I raise my arm above my head.
2) For a while now, I have said how I have wanted to be on fire. Not burned- I've done that. But actually be aflame. It's one of the few things like hasn't happened to me, and I'm curious. I've purchased 75% of what I need and should be ready to be photographed doing it in a few weeks. Should make for some fun pics.



If pain truly lets us know we're alive, then I'm the alivest motherfucker I know.